Paid Jokes / Recent Jokes

Legendary football announcer Keith Jackson was in Texas to announce a college football game when he noticed a special telephone near the Longhorn's bench. He asked a nearby Texas player what it was for, and was told that it was the "hotline to God."
Keith asked if he could use it. The player told him, "Sure, but it will cost you $10."
Keith scratched his head and thought, "What the heck, I need a break picking games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $10. Keith was perfect that week with his football picks.
The next week Mr. Jackson was in Florida when he noticed the same kind of telephone on the FSU bench. He again asked what the telephone was for and was told, "It's the hotline to God. If you want to use it, it'll cost you $10."
Recalling the prior week, Keith pulled out his wallet and made the call. Keith was again perfect calling games.
The next weekend Mr. Jackson was in Nebraska at Memorial Stadium, when he noticed more...

A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already.
The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you."
The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't.
The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill.
The co-worker says, "But I've paid already."
The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you."
The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar.
The friend goes in the bar and drinks alot. The bartender talks to the friend and tells him, "You know, 2 guys came in here earlier claiming they paid. The next guy who tries that is gonna get punched in the face."
The friend says, "Don't bother me with more...

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door more...

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number."I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."The company got a new number the next day.

This is, without a doubt, the funniest collection letter that I have even seen! Someone must have been having a really frustrating day when they wrote this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Share it with others can get a good laugh too.
(DATE)
(COMPANY)
(ADDRESS)
(ADDRESS)
(CITY, STATE, ZIP)
Attention: ________________
Dear ___________________:
Will you get off your dead ass and take care of your obligations! We are still holding the insufficient check that we called you on over a month ago. I know you told me you were waiting to get paid for a job that was due over a year ago. Get real. If they have not paid you yet they are probably not going to. That is not our problem.
Girl, you are going to go to jail if you do not pay for this check. We are not willing to wait any longer for our money. If I had my way, we would not sell you any product at all. You are not a good risk. We put you on open account and you drug your feet in paying us, so we more...

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. "How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened." So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?"

THERE WAS THIS FARMER THAT HAD 3 KIDS. THEY WERE 16, 10, AND 4. THE 16 YEAR OLD WALKED UP TO HIS DAD AND SAID,"DAD, I'M 16 NOW AND I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME I GOT A CAR." HIS DAD SAID,"WE JUST GOT THAT JOHN DEERE TRACTOR OVER THERE, BUT WHEN WE GET IT PAID OFF WE'LL GET YOU A CAR." THE 10 YEAR OLD WALKED UP TO HIS DAD AND SAID,"DAD ALL MY FRIENDS HAVE GOT DIRT BIKES AND I THINK I'M GETTING OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE ONE TOO." HIS DAD SAID,"WELL, WHEN WE GET THAT TRACTOR PAID OFF WE'LL GET YOU ONE." NEXT THE 4 YEAR OLD WALKED UP AND SAID,"DAD I NEED A BIKE SO I CAN GO PLAY ON IT WITH MY FRIENDS BECAUSE THEY ALL ALREADY HAVE ONE." HIS DAD SAID,"WE HAVE GOT TO PAY THE TRACTOR OFF FIRST AND THEN WE'LL GET YOU ONE." THE 4 YEAR OLD SAID,"OK." THEN THE 4 YEAR OLD WENT OUT TO GET EGGS FROM THE CHICKEN HOUSE AND SAW A ROOSTER JUST FUCKING THE HELL OUT OF THIS OLD HEN. THE LITTLE BOY WENT UP AND KICKED THE ROOSTER OFF AND SAID,"BY more...