Parody Jokes / Recent Jokes
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that: - quicksand can work slowly - boxing rings are square - and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers
write, but fingers don't fing... - grocers don't groce,- and hammers
don't ham?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England, nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies... while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
If the plural of tooth is teeth... - why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese; so, one moose, 2. .. meese?
One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If it is he, his and him - Shouldn't it be she, shis and shim?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, more...
Dear Abby:
Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: My husband continually asks me more...
Cats Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetrap
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, The Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
Clone of My Own
(To the tune of "Home on the Range")
Oh, give me a clone,
With the genes like my own,
But convert my Y to an X.
And since she's like me,
It's a sure certainty,
That she'll think of nothing but sex.
(Chorus)
Clone, clone of my own,
Who's always eager to play,
Means we'll have great fun,
And I'll only need one,
So please get her started today.
As long as you're mixing,
Some genes could use fixing,
To make her the best she can be.
Blond hair and blue eyes,
And a skinnier size,
And an IQ a bit less than me.
(chorus)
Please send me my clone,
Just as soon as she's grown,
Past the virtual age of eighteen.
I'm tired of dating,
And eagerly waiting,
To make it on the cloning scene.
(chorus)
How To Rite Good
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said,' 'I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.''
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon more...
Arrest these merry gentlemen and make them go away,
Arrest these merry gentlemen it may be Christmas Day.
But they're singing and they're shouting and they're causing an affray,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen a'begging in the street,
They're dirty and they're ragged, they've no boots upon their feet.
They're not the type of person who we really wish to meet,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen they're rough unruly louts,
Now they've started arguing and loudly they do shout.
And soon I think we'll see some Christmas boxing breaking out,
So take tidings to Constable Joy, Constable Joy,
So take tidings to Constable Joy.
Arrest these merry gentlemen who in their gutters crawl,
The good, the bad, the ugly, the more...
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
While upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill more...