Pencil Jokes / Recent Jokes
The newspaper obituary operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"
"Five dollars per word, ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, write this: 'Cohen died.' "
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply. "You certainly did forget to tell me that." After a moment of silence, the woman continued, "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Okay, print this: 'Cohen died. Cadillac for sale.' "
Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water?
Paul: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: What is this?
Paul: Well, you said it is H2O!
Teacher: Mike, get up! How can you sleep in my class?
Mike: I can Mr, if you keep your voice down.
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
Teacher: "Annie! stop showing off! Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"
Annie: "No, Miss."
Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"
Pupil: "Sir, Would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?"
Teacher: "But your parents don't have a computer."
Pupil: "Exactly!"
A student to his teacher: "I haven't got no pencil."
Teacher, correcting him: "You don't have any pencil. He doesn't have any more...
1. Only raise your hand when you want to sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom. Repeat every ten minutes.
2. Never raise your hand when you want to answer a question; instead, yell, "Ooooh! Oooh! Oooh!" and then, when the teacher calls on you, say, "I forgot what I was going to say."
3. Lean your chair back, take off your shoes, and put your feet up on your desk. Act surprised when the teacher puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor.
4. Drop the eraser end of your pencil on your desk. See how high it will bounce.
5. Drop your books on the floor. See how loud a noise you can make.
6. Hum. Get all your friends to join in.
7. Hold your nose, make a face, and say, "P.U.!" Fan the air away from your face and point to the kid in the front of you.
8. On the last day of school, lead your classmates in chanting:
"No more pencils!
No more books!
No more teachers'
dirty looks!"
9. Then on your more...
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
A great pianist was driving down a road when he saw a bar with a sign saying "MUSICIAN WANTED". Being the hotshot he was, he walked in and offered to fill the void. So, the bartender told him to give a demo. So, the pianist went over to the piano and began to play.
The song was phenomenal, and the bartender was very impressed. The bartender promptly asked, "What was the name of that song?" The pianist smiled and said "What the hell is that on my dick?" The bartender was taken aback but told the pianist to play another song. This song was even better than the last, and the bartender was Very impressed.
Slightly reluctant he asked, "Was that song's name?" The pianist said, "Them Tits is Fucking Huge!" The bartender was perplexed, but sighed and said, " You can play at my bar but you can't announce the name of your songs." One night the pianist is playing at a bar and he decides to spice it up a bit with performances more...
The two female teens were discussing a news article concerning gasoline fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about Tommy's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other girl. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."