Plan Jokes / Recent Jokes

How Shit HappensIn the Beginning was The PlanAnd then came the AssumptionsAnd the Assumptions were without formAnd the Plan was completely without substanceAnd the darkness was upon the face of the WorkersAnd the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,"It promotes growth and is very powerful." And the Vice more...

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she wasbeing given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a roomwhere a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course theQueen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital." Ah," said the doctor, "Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate thatyou should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode." "Oh." said Her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable." Further down the corridor they passed another room. The door was openand you could see a nurse was clearly giving a patient oral sex." Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty, "I demand an explanation ofthis kind of sordid goings- on!""Ah," said the Doctor, more...

In the beginning, there was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
The planners told the Chief of Plans: “It’s a crock of shit and it stinks! ”
The Chief of Plans then told the G3: “It’s a pail of dung and none may abide by the odor. ”
The G3 then told Chief of Staff: “It’s a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may smell it. ”
The Chief of Staff then told the ADC(M): “It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength. It contains that which aids plant growth and it is very strong. ”
The ADC(M) told the CG: “It promotes growth and it is very powerful. It will promote the efficiency in the system and victory for the future. ”
And the CG reviewed the plan and said: “This is good. ”
And the plan became an order.
And this is how shit happens.

Temperature in Fahrenheit:
+60 Californians put on sweaters.
+50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
+40 You can see your breath.
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 Italians cars don't start.
+32 Water freezes.
+30 You plan your vacation in Australia.
+25 Ohio water freezes.
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.
+20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan vacation further south.
+15 French cars don't start.
Cat insists on sleeping with you.
+10 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 German cars don't start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansans stick tongues on metal objects.
Miami more...

A chimpanzee at a Swedish zoo who collected rocks to throw at zoo visitors whenever he was angry confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans. Zoo officials only began to worry when the chimp built a nuclear bomb shelter.

Temperatures and What They Mean 40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 Italian cars don't start. 32 Water freezes. 30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. 25 Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you. 20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath. 15 N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless. 12 You plan a vacation to Mexico. 10 Too cold to snow 5 You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 3 You plan a vacation in Houston. 0 Too cold to skate. American cars don't start. -5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. -10 Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. -15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -20 You plan a 2-week hot bath. -25 The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't more...

A group of college classmates were sitting around lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of Sprint, AT&T and MCI.
"I checked all of those out, but I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," said one student.
"CTC? I've never heard of them. Who are they?" another asked.
"You know," the student responded, "Call Them Collect!"