Plan Jokes / Recent Jokes

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

A gorgeous young woman decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she came up with a plan. She proceeded to find herself a wealthy old man and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problems, even with the more than half-a-century age difference.
On the first night of their honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom and join her in bed. However, when he did emerge, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearful that her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The old man replied, "There are two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!"

The Clinton Health Plan has the:
1. Simplicity of the IRS.
2. Results of rent control.
3. Efficiency of the Post Office.
4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes
5. Management success of national debt.
6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.
7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight more...

Your phone's network is changing plan.
The uglier you are the cheaper your calls.
From now on all your calls will be free

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase,' Hey, Moe!' Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard of "The Three Stoogies " who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and that diploma from a small Caribbean Island is very fresh.Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you more...