Plays On Words Jokes

Hangover: The anger of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in discussion.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

I know this guy who works at Sea World; but I don't think it's on porpoise...

For as long as I can remember, I've had amnesia....

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug? She had her baby in the spring.

What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards at the same time? A moving back hareline.

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meatgrinder? He got a little behind in his work.

'Tis better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

Q: What do you call a guy with no legs in leaves?
A: Russle!

Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy
A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and peasoup?
A: Anyone can roast beef
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the heck out of the dog
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Darn."
A bad skydiver goes, "Darn." WHACK!
Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it!
Q: What do you call skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet
Q: What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting
Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer