Pump Jokes / Recent Jokes
Gas Prices vs?
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0. 30, $0. 40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of. . .
- Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1. 29 = $10. 32 per gallon
- Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1. 19 = $9. 52 per gallon
- Gatorade 20 oz for $1. 59 = $10. 17 per gallon
- Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1. 25 = $10. 00 per gallon
- Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1. 59 = $6. 32 per gallon
- Evian (water) 9 oz for $1. 49 = $21. 19 per gallon
- STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3. 15 = $33. 60 per gallon
- Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8. 35 = $178. 13 per gallon
- Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3. 85 = $123. 20 per gallon
- more...
Two aliens land in Metro Detriot, and they happen to land next
to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and
look around. The first thing they see that resembles an
intelligent being is the gas pump. The two Aliens approach and
the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!"
Of course he gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!" Of course, still no
response.... The first Alien then turns to the second and says
"If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least
acknowledge me I'm going to blast him!" At that the second Alien
replies "O. K, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other
to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third
time. "Earthling take me to your more...
Stan Kegel's construction story reminded me of some of the silly things my husband had people believe:
People who have boats and yachts will tell you that sightseers ask them all sorts of stupid questions. In our fishing harbour we have a lobster unit, and a pump mounted on the quay circulates fresh sea water through the tanks to keep the lobsters alive. One day a man asked my husband what the pump was for.
With a straight face he replied: "It is used to rectify changes brought about by the tides. You see, when it is low tide, they pump water from the harbour into the ocean to get the water to the same level. When it is high tide, they pump the water back again."
The Cango Caves in Oudtshoorn, South Africa, run underground for some 2 km. As we were coming out of the caves, some people approached us asked us what is better: to visit the caves early in the day, or late afternoon.
"Late afternoon may not be a good Idea," my husband replied. "When more...
Japan Times-April 16, 1997
"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most' Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God."
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.
Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted more...
One evening after attending a concert, two men were walking down the road when they saw a well-dressed and attractive looking woman walking ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and said, "I'd give 50 bucks to spend the night with her." To their surprise the woman overheard the remark. Turning round she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had good appearance and a nice body, so after bidding his companion 'good night', he followed her back to her apartment and they went straight to bed. The following morning the man presented her with 25.00. She demanded the rest of her money."If you don't give me the remaining $25 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on those grounds!" The next day, he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his appearance in Court as Defendant in a lawsuit. He rushed to his atorney and explained the circumstances to him. His atorney said, "She can't possibly get a more...
One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, "I'd give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman."
To their surprise the woman turned and said, "I'll take you up on that."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.
The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other twenty-five dollars I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details more...
Santa Opened A Petrol Pump, But Not Even One Customer Went There.
You Know Why?
Because He Opened Petrol Pump On Second Floor.