Remote Jokes / Recent Jokes

Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.
And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil more...

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. You, Too, Can Do Housework

2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. Techniques of Calling Home

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous

13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me

16. Why it more...

In the beginning, God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the
99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her
figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed
its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God more...

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door more...

In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of deep.And the Devil said,'It doesn't get any better than this.'
And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit
And God populated earth
withh broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So MAN and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And so the Devil created Fast Food Giants.
And Fast Food Giants brought forth the 99p double cheeseburger.
And Devil said to Man,'You want fries with that?'
And Man said,'Super-size them.'
And Man gain five pounds.
And God said'Why doth thou eat thus?'
I have sent the heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them.'
But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And more...

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him."