Soap Jokes / Recent Jokes

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well... duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (... and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough more...

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap. 'Oh look,' says the second nun, 'a soap dispenser.'
To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.
The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.
Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, 'Look, hand cream!'

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.They undress and step in the showers before theyrealize there is no soap. Father John says he hassome soap in his room and goes to get it, notbothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap inhis hands and heads back to the showers. He getshalfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, hestands against the wall and freezes like he's astatue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls hisdick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap."Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."To test her theory she also pulls his dick...andsure enough he drops the last bar of soap. Thethird nun then pulls, first once, then twice andthree times. Still nothing happens. So she triesonce more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "Use more soap on panties." Finally fed up the Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "Use more paper on ass."

Two priests were going to have there daily shower but when they reached the showers they discovered they had left there soap back at the dorms. One of the priests, without putting his clothes back on, desided that he would go and fetch the soap.One his way back to the showers with the soap he noticed that there was three nuns heading his way, so he decided to act like a statue.When the nuns reached him they commented on how life like he was. one of the nuns decided that she would tug on the priests penis.She tugged three times and a bar of soap popped out of the priests hand, the nun thought that she had found a soap dispencer.The second nun thought she would have her free soap so she tugged as well and out came the soap.Now it was the third nuns turn so she tugged on the penis and nothing came out so she tugged again and again.The nun was very pleased as the soap dispencer turned out to be a hand lotion machian as well!

Rajiv: Oh God! Please Make Mumbai The Capital Of India
Mother: But Why Son?
Rajiv: Because That’s What I Wrote In My Test Paper.
Naina: We Should Use Soap To Keep Our Body Clean. What Should We Do To Keep Our Heart Clean?
Nancy- I Don’t Know! !! Probably We Must Eat The Soap.