Stick Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter`s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3: 29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I more...

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation
diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you
go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3
days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the
years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all
in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before
embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him
afterwards. Good Luck! !!
DAY ONE
-------
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of more...

Our landlord's cow yields milk only when a stick is put on her neck. On enquiring about this strange practice, the landlord explained that their cow is intelligent and of pure Indian breed, and khows that in India logic does not work: either it is rishwat (bribe) or danda (stick) that works.

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking. The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst. They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

Kittens, better than babies? Hah! Here now are the top ELEVEN reasons why
babies are better than kittens (and, as any five-year-old will tell you, more
reasons makes my list better. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!)
11) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.
10) No one's allergic to a baby.
9) Having a kitten in the car doesn't let you drive in the carpool lane.
8) An exercise program you can really stick with... that you HAVE to stick
with, whether you like it or not...
7) With a kitten, you don't get to watch otherwise normal adults making
silly faces, jumping up and down, talking nonsense in a high pitched voice,
and generally making fools of themselves. Hours of fun!
6) For an initial investment of a camera and few pieces of film, you can
convince baby's grandparents to buy the kid all the cute but expensive
clothes, toys, furniture, and major appliances s/he will ever need-a good
photographer can buy nothing but diapers for a year. more...

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The
trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat
(the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the
liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit
after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle
Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds
are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor
before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck! !!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast
with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers;
dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear
the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass more...