"POST HOLIDAY DIET" joke

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation
diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you
go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3
days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the
years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all
in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before
embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him
afterwards. Good Luck! !!
DAY ONE
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Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape
jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest
on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly
over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips,
and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of
flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the
kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
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Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat
it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial
of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful
of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until
it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust
up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes;
eat with spoon.
DAY THREE
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Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with
fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other
pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker
from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table
and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
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Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes,
add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and
feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.