Stress Jokes / Recent Jokes

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace,
I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found
that all of the questions fell into what we considered the "wuss" category,
and generated our own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
The cat is on Valium.
People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
"Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
You have to check more...

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced
within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion
of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who
choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to
practice a religion at all; plus, A fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally
accepted calendar year 1999, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have
helped make our society great, without regards to the race, creed, color,
religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
(disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes
for him/herself or others and no more...

A study in Britain shows stressed-out women who work long hours eat more high-fat snacks, exercise less, and smoke more than their male colleagues. The study showed men's reaction to women under such stress was to mercilessly berate them for eating more, not exercising enough and smoking too much.
The report found that poor eating habits were linked to one or more stressful events such as making a presentation, meeting with the boss and in particular, being the subject of a study about stress.
For men, working longer hours has no negative impact on exercise, caffeine intake or smoking, but did increase their state of denial about their receding hairlines, love handles and impotence.

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn`t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. Actually I`m doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP). I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.
9. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
10. The coffee machine is broken.
11. Someone must`ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won`t wear off!
13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable more...

This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day

BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping
1 jar Nutella

DINNER
4 bottles of red wine
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

A man walks into a bar and pulls out a brown tennis ball sized rubbery ball and begins to squeeze it. Another man from the other side of the bar asks, whats that thing supposed to do for ya mate. The 1st guy replies, its to releive me of stress. 2nd man asks, so where'd you get it from? 1st guy says, Oh I found it. so the 2nd man asks if he could try, sure you can, replies the 1st guy, and rolls the ball across the bar. The 2nd man begins squeezing it, he then says, this is oddly familiar, then he sniffs it and then says, I know what that is, thats SHIT!!! and throws the ball at the 1st guy. The 1st guy says, IS IT! Thank christ, I spent so long picking it out my ass I thought it was Cancer!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "He said you're going to die."