Stretched Jokes / Recent Jokes

ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM
---Author unknown

For years' n years they told me,
be careful of your breasts
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
and give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings
and protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully,
and always wore a bra.

After 30 years of careful care,
the doctor found a lump
He ordered up a mammogram
to look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,
as she got my tit in line
And tell me when it hurts, she said,
Ah, yes, there! That's just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vice!!!

My skin was stretched' n stretched
from way up by my chin
And my poor tit was being squashed
to swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt within
it's vice-like grip
A prisoner in this more...

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."
She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!
My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless more...

A mind once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimension.

Spring came along, and the Hill family decided to clean their house. After a hard Saturday's work, they became tired, and decided to take a nap. So they all stretched out on the living room floor and fell asleep. Just then, their next door neighbor, Mr. Brown, came by to borrow a cup of sugar. He noticed the Hills stretched out on the floor and thought that they had died. Mr. Brown ran home, got his accordion, returned, and began playing a song out of respect for the "dead." At the sound of the accordion, the Hills woke up and stared with amazement at Mr. Brown, who was now running down the block, shouting and jumping for joy. "What on earth are you yelling about?" Mrs. Brown called from her kitchen window. Mr. Brown called back, "The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

For years' n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests." So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra. After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump." Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine." She stepped upon a pedal.. . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!! My skin was stretched' n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't more...