Stretched Jokes / Recent Jokes

For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts" she said. "Ah yes! There, that's fine.
She stepped upon a pedal. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise!
My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt. Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this viscous thing, My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And more...

For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is more...

For years 'n years they told me, "Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests."So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump."Stand up very close," she said, As she got my tit in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."She stepped upon a pedal... I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!! My skin was stretched 'n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!! Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!"Take a deep breath" she said to me Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can't more...

For years 'n years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law
Guarded them very carefully,
An always wore a bra.
After thirty years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My boob was in a vise!!!
My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squeezed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!!
"Take a deep more...

For year's years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."
So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law...
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
The Doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
as she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
Ah yes! There! Thats just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down...
My Boob was in a vice!!
My skin was stretched'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squashed
To Swedish pancake thin!!
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep more...

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?" "Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

A Maulana, a Sardarji and a Maharashtrian Brahmin happened to be in a boat which sprang a leak. The boat began to fill with water and it looked all the three would be drowned. The Maulana prayed to Allah for help: "Great and mighty Allah! Thou art compassionate and merciful. Save thy faithful servant from doom. I promise to say many extra namaazes and observe many extra rozas (fasts) if my life is saved." Lo and behold! A hand stretched down from the heavens and lifted the Maulana from the sinking boat and dropped him safely on land.
The Sardarji raised his hands to the heavens and cried "Merciful Wahgurul Save thy faithful gursikh and I promise to have a hundred akhand paaths." Lo and behold! another hand stretched down from the heavens and lifted the Sardarji from the sinking boat and dropped him unharmed on the land.
It was the turn of the Maharashtrian Brahmin. He too raised his hands to the heavens and prayed to his favourite deity "O thou more...