Tiles Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'
'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'
'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where more...

A few shrimps short of a barbie.
A few spoons short of a full set.
A few straws shy of a bale.
A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
A few volts below threshold.
A few yards short of the hole.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and… What was the question?
A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he’d have to give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)
A looney tune.

How are men like carpet tiles? If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

A few guppies short of an aquarium. A few inches short of a foot/yard. A few kernels short of an ear. A few kopeks short of a ruble. A few links shy of a chain. A few measures short of a staff. A few open splices. A few peas short of a pod/casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar. A few points short of a polygon. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few shrimps short of a barbie. A few spoons short of a full set. A few straws shy of a bale. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A more...

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that her vagina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.
She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.
Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"
"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."
"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.
"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."