Turner Jokes / Recent Jokes

A little guy got into an elevator and when he looked up, he saw a HUGE man standing next to him.
Noticing the little guy staring up at him, the huge man looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds each testicle, Turner Brown."
The little guy immediately fainted and fell to the floor. The big guy knelt down and started slapping and shaking him to bring him to. "What wrong with you?" he asked the little guy.
Trembling, the little guy uttered in a very weak voice, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"
"Well, when I saw the curious look on your face, I thought I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me," replied the huge man. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, have a 20 inch penis, each testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."
"Oh, thank God!" exclaimed the little guy. "I thought you said turn around!"

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown."

Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said' Turn Around!'"

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you more...

Newsgroups: alt.angst
Subject: Take me to your leader
From: Dennis
UFOs are nothing to worry about
There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. Well, the only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried last week. Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now.
Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere.
Well if these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys more...

A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".

Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his client's case for an injunction said, "The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I don't know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?"
"Do I need to be?"
replied the judge.
"I don't think so," said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word 'topless' in discussing glamour modelling.
"It means precisely the opposite," he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is "remarkable - as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean".
"If you cut the top off, it wouldn't be very interesting - what's more they would be dead. It's clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids," he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints. The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?" The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said' Turn around'."