Twain Jokes

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."

As most technophiles are aware, there are special programs to run scanners. These programs use a TWAIN driver to perform the scanning. TWAIN, the acronym, stands for "Technology Without An Interesting Name."

rk Twain's plan for the improvement of spelling

One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it."
"You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane.
"I have so," countered Twain.
"Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it."
"I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary.
clipped from Roshan's Humor list, a contribution from Tandy Carter

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."-- Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-- Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."-- Moses Hadas "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."-- Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-- Groucho Marx "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."-- Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely more...