Van Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. From the Echoes-Sentines [?], Somerset County, NJ, Sept. 17, 1987: GILLETTE RESIDENT IS ARRESTED AFTER SHOOTING HIS COMPUTERPASSAIC TWP. -- A Gillette man was arrested at his home last Thursday night after he fired eight bullets at his home computer, according to police. The man, Michael A. Case, 35, of 64 Summit Ave., was arrested shortly after 11 p. m., at his house, when police said they received a report that shots were fired. They arrived at the home to find a. 44 Magnum automatic handgun and a shot-up IBM personal computer with a Princeton Graphics System monitor. The monitor screen was blown out by the blasts and its inner workings were visible, Lt. Donald Van Tassel said on Monday. The computer, which had bullet holes in its hardware, was hit four times while four more bullet holes were found in various areas next to the computer, Van more...

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured by police only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?
-- Vanna White, Wheel of Fortune co-star On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross.
-- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces On Disco Music, Importance of: God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful.

-- Donna Summer, disco singer On Giving It Your All: I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard.

-- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: [Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality.

-- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors more...

Seen on the back of a van in Rochester, New York:

Caution: Blind Man Driving

On the side of the van (after passing it to see who might be driving):

Rochester Venetian Blind Co.

Every Chad down in Chadville liked voting a lot.
But the Grinch, from North Chadville, most certainly did not!
The Grinch hated voting! He thought it a bore.
Now, please don't ask why. Could be Bush, could be Gore.
It could be his heart bled with liberal mush.
It could be, perhaps, that he listened to Rush.
But I think the real reason his trust was so shattered
Was the great Grinchy view that his vote never mattered.
Whatever the reason, Lack of trust, lack of goals,
The Grinch dreaded that day when Chads went to the polls.
He just hated those speeches and negative ads,
And when push came to shove, he just hated the Chads.
He just hated their theme parks, their football-team rooters,
He just hated their gun laws, their barmaids at Hooters.
He just hated their weather, even hated their hate.
And he hated that they were a battleground state.
"So they're making their choices," he snarled with a more...

British newspaper report:

Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van
and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day.

Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times.

As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof so he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat." "When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"