Warning Jokes / Recent Jokes

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: more...

New warning labels for liquor, wine and beer containers:
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what in the world happened to your bra and panties.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
____
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of more...

Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.
A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Someone actually sat down and read the paper work that came with an applicance. Here's what it said:
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back more...

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a more...

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place" (why...a duh!)
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (ah-ha! So that's what happened to my little sister!)
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (oh sure...now they tell me!)
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (aye matey...but the sharks love 'em!)
On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.
On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.
On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (well that's just great...now what do I use!)
On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.
On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (he-he...I gotta try this one!)
On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.
On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to more...