West Jokes / Recent Jokes
The swing doors of the Wild West saloon crashed open and in came Little Pete, black with fury. "All right!" he raged, "all right! Who did it? What goldarned varmint painted my horse blue?" The huge figure of Black Jake, notorious gunfighter and town baddie rose from a chair by the door. "It was me, shrimp," he drawled, bunching his gigantic fists, "what about it?" "Oh, well, er," stammered little Pete wretchedly, "all I wanted to say was.. . when are you going to give it another coat?"
Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"
The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!
Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)
CALL THE more...
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions"
His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately"
A reporter when up into the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He met an old man in a small town and asked him about memorable events in his life. "Well, one time my favorite sheep got lost. So me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!" The reporter knew he couldn`t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story. "Well, one time my neighbor`s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found her. Then we drank the moonshine and screwed her. Now that was a lot of fun!" The frustrated reporter told the old man that he couldn`t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any sad memories he could talk about. The old man paused, then said, "Well, one time I got lost...... "
A man wanted very badly to see a West End play, but it took a year to get tickets. He put in his order and waited. Finally, the big day came and he went off to the theatre. When he sat down, he saw a man in the seat in front of him, with an empty seat adjacent. In conversation, he learned that the man was a lawyer, and that he had bought the other seat for his wife, who was unable to come at the last moment. The astonished man asked the lawyer why he would let such a valuable commodity go to waste, not giving it to a friend or relative who wanted to come to the play. The lawyer replied, "Yes, several of those wanted to come, but they're all at my wife's funeral."
Lawyer: someone who makes sure that he gets what's coming to you.
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."