Winston Jokes / Recent Jokes

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer. Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. Catherine

Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class. Oscar more...

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offersthat, "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".
"No," Winston says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy". "I'm afraid not, "explains Winston, "that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Winston, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a more...

Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife." During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if you would pin this on your white meat." Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way more...

'You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.' - Frank Zappa.
'Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.' - Ernest Hemingway.
'Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.' - Winston Churchill.
'He was a wise man who invented beer.' - Plato.
'Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.' - Catherine Zondonella.
'A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.' - W. C. Fields.
'Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Madam, if you were my wife I would drink it.' - Churchill's reply.
'Sir, you're drunk!' - Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
'Yes madam, and you're ugly. But in the morning I will be sober.' - Churchill's reply.
'If God had more...

Give an example of tragedy
Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ''tragedy''. One little boy stands up and offersthat, ''if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy''.
''No,'' Winston says, ''That would be an ACCIDENT.''
A girl raises her hand. ''If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy''. ''I'm afraid not, ''explains Winston, ''that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.''
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. ''What?'' asks Winston, ''isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?''
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: ''If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy''.
''Wonderful!'' Winston beams. ''Marvelous! And can you more...

A lady who was known as Winston Churchill's main rival in Parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his adversary, dozed off while the lady was speaking.
Indignant, she stopped her presentation and awoke Sir Winston by yelling,' Mr Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?'
Churchill replied sleepily,' No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice.'

Churchill's grandmother, the Duchess of Marlborough had this to say on the arrival of her grandson:' I have myself given birth to quite a number of infants. They were all pretty vocal when they arrived, but such an earth shaking noise as this newborn baby made I have never heard.'

The genuineness of Churchill's joke about Sir Alfred Bossom's entry into the House has never been questioned.' Bossom? he said,' What an extraordinary name; neither one thing nor the other.'Sir William Joyson Hicks made some statements in Parliament to which Winston Churchill, former Prime Minister of Great Britain gave signs of demurring.' I see my right honourable friend shakes his head,' said Hicks,' but I am only expressing my own opinion.'
'And I', answered Winston,' am only shaking my own head.'
Once when his racehorse, Colonist II, finished fourth, Churchill had his own excuse. He said that he had a serious talk with the horse just before the race.' I told him this is a very big more...