Beef Jokes / Recent Jokes
Caption Contest:
If this scene went Gilbert & Sullivan:
Starts with palsied kid singing:
"I'm a palsied kid at a table
trying to eat a turkey
But really I'm unable
Right here in Albuquerque
For my hands are so unstable
and my mind's a little murkey
Too bad it's not beef jerky"
The Chorus:
"Too bad it's not beef jerky
too bad it's not beef jerky
He's from Albuquerque
In New Mex-i-co, New Mex-i-co
trying to eat a turkey
But he's just too herky-jerky
Yes, he cannot eat a turkey
'cause he's just too herky-jerky"
And then, as with all good Gilbert & Sullivan, the bananas in the background start dancing and singing:
"We're a bunch of bananas from Paraguay
They said "Come to America" we said "No way!"
But here we are and we must say
You better eat us now or we turning black
And once we do, we never get out credit back
You better eat us now or more...
There were two friends. One Hindu, Pawan and the other Muslim, Javed. They were heavy boozers. Not a day passed without their meeting, which resulted in ending up at a bar. Everyone was fed up with their drinking habit. Even they were keen to stop drinking. But the urge to drink always got the better of them.
Once they met in the morning. Being sober, they discuss their problem and came up with a solution. The Hindu says that it would be equal to eating the holy cow, and similarly the Muslim says that drinking whisky would be equal to eating a pig for him.
After their daily chores, their natural instinct made them meet outside the bar. They are happy to see each other, but they remind each other of their holy vow.
They couldn't stand outside for long and suggest that it is unholy for them to drink but they could always sit in the bar. Thus, they go inside and sat on their favourite table. They further decide, that they could always order a drink each and not drink it as it more...
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and peasoup?
A: Anyone can roast beef
Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the heck out of the dog
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
'Twas the night before christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me - we had nothing to do.
The gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Chanukah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat 2 feet of snow;
With the windchill, they said, it was 15 below.
And while all I could do was sit there a brood,
My girl saved the night and called out: "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots -
To cover out heads, our hands and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down,
And boarded the T bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, more...
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
The blond opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would more...