Beef Jokes / Recent Jokes

Newspaper Ads
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you
can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

o Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.
o A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
o Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children
$2. 00.
o For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.
o For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.
o Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
o Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.
o Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
o Wanted: Unmarried girls more...

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs? A. Nothing - he cant come to you anyway
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef
Q. What do you call a group of cattle in a jacking off?
A. Beef Strohganoff

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
- When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
- Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
- Jogging home from your own vasectomy
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
- One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
- Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
- You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
- Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michael's new song?
- It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
- The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea more...

On the first night of Hanukkah my true love gave to me
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the second night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the third night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me
6 pickled herrings
5 bowls of chicken soup
4 potato latkes
3 pounds of corned beef
2 Kosher pickles and
Lox, bagels and some cream cheese
On the more...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get bologna sandwiches one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees burritos and jumps, too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna sandwich and jumps to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it more...

Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? A.) They're hiring. Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A.) "Dam." Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest? A.) They take the psycho path. Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? A.) Polaroids. Q.) What do the letters D. N. A. stand for? A.) National Dyslexia Association. Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A.) Nacho Cheese. Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers? A.) Subordinate Clauses. Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? A.) Quattro sinko. Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow? A.) Spoiled milk. Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A.) Frostbite. Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A.) A nervous wreck. Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A.) Anyone can roast beef. Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A.) They all have phones. Q.) What kind of coffee more...

A gentile once wandered into a Jewish restaurant and ordered roast chicken.
The waiter said, "Take my advice and have the boiled beef today."
"No thank you. I want the roast chicken"
"Listen to me. The roast chicken is not for you. Have the boiled beef"
"What is this? Don't you suppose I know what I want? Bring me the roast chicken at once!" The diner was getting mad.
"I will not do that. I know better than you what you want."
"Look," said the diner striking the table a resounding blow, "get me the manager!"
The manager drawn by the noise, came bustling over. "What the hell is going on here?"
The waiter turned to him and said, "Listen. This guy didn't come here to eat. He came here to give me an arguement." From "Asimov Laughs Again", an absolutely wonderful book full of jokes and anecdotes from the Good Doctor.