Beef Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter.

"Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.

"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."

"What's a Midnight Special?"

"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."

"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"

"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out:

"One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.
Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.
Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.
Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.
Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. Why do chicken coops have two more...

The stockings are hung on the chimney
And the presents are under the tree
And mama's in the kitchen making some herbal tea
The windows are covered with frost
The candles are all alight
But as I wander through this quiet house
Something just doesn't seem right
You see, every year the neighbors bring us
A Swiss Colony beef log
But the neighbors aren't around
There's no beef log to be found
this year Christmas isn't Christmas
Without a Swiss Colony beef log
Without those cheeses and meats
I don't know how I'll get along

-- from the South Park Christmas cd,
"Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were eating lunch on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
The Irishman looked at his lunch and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I`m going to jump off, too."
The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm going over the edge with them."
Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and also jumps to his death.
At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The more...

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee
hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.He felt like he was being hunted down like a dog, in a place that hunts dogs, I suppose.The lamp just sat there, more...

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I more...