Bernice Jokes / Recent Jokes

[Not good reading, but good for a group]
An older lady gets undressed and starts to get into the bathtub. She
gets about halfway into the tub and thinks, ''Was I getting into the
tub or getting out?'' She calls out, ''Bernice! Was I getting
into the bathtub or getting out?''
Bernice says, ''Well I don't know. I'll have to come up and look.''
Bernice starts walking up the stairs to the bathroom, gets halfway
up and thinks to herself, ''Was I going up the stairs or down?'' She
calls out ''Sally! Was I going up or down the stairs?''
Sally, down in the living room calls back, ''How should I know?'' and
thinks to herself, ''I'm glad I'm not losing my mind like the other people
in this house.''
So Sally starts...
Do you remember the punchline to this joke?

The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That`s right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Bernice used to nag her husband constantly because he just sat around the house all weekend watching television, checking out the ball games and drinking beer. "Sunday's the only day of the week you could actually spend a little quality time with your daughter, Lloyd, and instead she just watches a couch potato in action," she complained week after week. So Bernice was astonished to come home one Saturday at dinnertime and hear little Amy chirp happily, "Mommy, guess what? Daddy took me to the zoo today, and we saw lots of animals."

"No kidding?"

"And guess what?" continued the kid enthusiastically. "One of them paid ten to one!"

After accumulating sufficient frequent flyer miles, Bill and Bernice landed on Mars where they met a Martian couple. They were talking about all sorts of things and Bill asked if Mars had a stock market, did they have laptop computers, how they made money.
Finally, Bernice broached the subject of sex. "Just how do you do it?" she asked.
"Pretty much the same way you do," replied the male Martian.
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Bernice and the male Martian headed off to a bedroom, where the male stripped. After taking one look at him, Bernice was disappointed to see that he only had a teeny, weenie member, about half an inch long and a quarter inch wide. "I really don't think this is going to work," Bernice said.
"Why not?" he asked. "What's the problem?"
"Well, it's just not long enough to reach me!" she explained.
"No problem," he said, more...