Bernie Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered - "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

Disgraced Wall Street investment banker Bernie Madoff has inked a deal with director Steven Spielberg for an upcoming tell-all movie exposing all the people Madoff has ripped off.
The film's tentative title...."Swindler's List"

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car. The only thing he said was, "F. F." His wife turned to him and answered, "E. F." Out on the highway, he said, "F. F." She responded simply, "E. F." He repeated, "F. F." She again replied, "E. F." "Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?" Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a fucking jinx!"

Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”

Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!” Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we insert it there?” Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert M in ‘Yitzhak’?” And Hymie then says, “But that's exactly what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”