Carpenter Jokes / Recent Jokes

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, lets get out of here."

A carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist had a mutual friend who was getting married and each was determined to play a practical joke on the newlyweds. The electrician decided to wire up the marriage bed so that when the two bodies touched, they got a shock. The carpenter planned to saw partly through the bed frame so that it would collapse when the shocked newlyweds jumped apart. As the wedding approached, the dentist was still scratching his head and trying to come up with something. After the honeymoon, the new husband confronted his three friends and said,' I didn't mind too much when we got zapped,' he told them,' and we both had a good laugh when the bed fell down. But who in heck put Novocaine in the Vaseline?'

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"
So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?"
"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice."Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response.A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?""Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

And God Created The WomanHe was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect. He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments. The Carpenter says: "Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"Then the Tailor says: "Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them." God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"Then the Architect says: "Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

Banta was a carpenter on a building site, he rushed up to the site engineer. "Sir, Sir!" he cried, "Someone just dropped a knife from the top of the scaffold and sliced my ear off!"

The site engineer immediately organized a search party to find the ear in the hope that micro-surgeon would be able to sew it on again, if it was well-preserved in ice and taken immediately to the hospital in a thermos flask.

"Here it is!" cried one of the searchers, waving an ear.

"No, that s not it," said the injured Banta, "mine had a pencil behind it!"