Carpenter Jokes / Recent Jokes

How do you catch a carpenter squirrel (Definition: a squirrel that likes power tools)?
Go to Home Depot and pretend to be nut-wood.

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven." Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler." I was a good father," he answers." Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let? s get out of here."

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and
comments.

The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"

Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the toilets next to the reception room"

A carpenter on a building site rushed up to the site engineer.
'Sir! Sir!' he cried.' Someone just dropped a trowel from the top of the scaffolding and sliced my ear off!'
The site engineer immediately organized a search party to find the ear in the hope that micro-surgeons would be able to sew it on again, if it was well-preserved in ice and taken immediately to the hospital in a thermos flask.
'Here it is!' cried one of the searchers, waving an ear.
'No, that's not it,' said the injured carpenter,' mine had a pencil behind it!'

Santa and his wife lives in a small house in Chandigarh. One day Santa's wife, Jeeto, asks Santa to fix a cupboard door, since one of the hinges was broken.
His reply was "Do I look like a carpenter? I'm a Photographer, not a carpenter. Get a carpenter to fix the door".
A few days later, Jeeto asks him to fix a dripping tap.
Again Santa replies "Do I look like a plumber? I'm a photographer, not a plumber. Get a plumber to fix the tap".
A week later, Santa notices that both the tap and the door have been fixed, so he asks Jeeto who fixed it.
She replied "I met a handyman in town, and he offered to fix the door and the tap if I either bake him a cake or have sex with him".
Santa asked "So what kind of cake did you bake?
Jeeto replied "Do I look like a baker?"...

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Murphy. The boss thought I`m not hiring that lazy Irishman, so he decided to set a test for Murphy, hoping he wouldn`t be able to answer the questions, and he`d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." So Murphy says, "Dat`s easy," and proceeds to draw three tree`s. The boss says, "What the hell`s that?" Murphy says, "Tree `n tree n` tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Murphy stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and says, " How on earth do you get that to represent 99. Murphy says, " Each tree`s dirty now! so it`s dirty tree, n` dirty tree n` dirty tree, dats 99."The boss is getting worried he`s going to have to hire more...

Yo momma is a carpenter's dream...she's flat as a board and she's never been screwed.