Collided Jokes / Recent Jokes

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants more...

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that
even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.
I thought my windows was down but I found out it was up when I put
my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for more...

The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the police on report forms. (Or at leat they claim to be ACTUAL statements. - You be the judge.) The drivers were instructed to give a brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.
Woman Driver(WD): Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't know.
Man Driver (MD): I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
WD: The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing.
MD: In any attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
MD: I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.
WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old more...

The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims. I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen. I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances. I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it. A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted. A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car. She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met. A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife's face. I ran into a shop window, and sustained injuries to my wife. I misjudged a lady crossing the street. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven't got.I left my car unattended for a minute, when by more...

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.
11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and more...

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it.4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way.8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision.11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.12) I was on my way to the doctors more...

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.""I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn
Q: What warning was given by the other party?
A: Moo"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.""On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.""I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight""I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any more...