Cousin Jokes / Recent Jokes

To brighten your day - from the NY Times News Service:
His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
His brother who worked in the convenience store - Stopn Gogh
His grandfather from Yugoslavia - U. Gogh
His brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh
His cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His uncle, the magician - Wherediddy Gogh
His cousin from Mexico - Amee Gogh
His Mexican's cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
His nephew who drove the stagecoach - Wellsfar Gogh
His constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
His ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh

Once I went to visit my cousin in Jersey and I was looking for his house and when I found his house I rang the doorbell and like I said, "Hey cuz" and he answered I'm not your cousin. Then I said, "Yes I am, and then he closes the door on me. So I like call my mom, right? Then I like say, "Mom, my cousin says he's not my cousin." Then my mom says, "You don't have a cousin in Jersey." And I'm like, "Oh cool", and then I got a fox.

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of
pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend
told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second.
Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true.
In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman,
the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted
the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and
pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a
chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:
"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two
sheets and a chair is beyond me."
After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the
patient, "You're not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that."

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by."What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon."Fishin'," said MacAndrews."Caught anything?""Ach, nae a bite,""What are ye usin' fer bait?""Worms""Let me see it," said O'Bannon.MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out."Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon."No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After considerable research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt... Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes... Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle... Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store... Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia... U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois... Chica Gogh
His magician uncle... Wherediddit Gogh
His Mexican cousin... Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother... Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt... Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco... Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach... Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle... Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst... E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin... Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking... Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew... Poe Gogh
The hairdresser... Washan Gogh
The marathon runner... Readysteady Gogh

45 Fun Things to Do on a Paper You Don't Care About
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't more...