Cream Jokes / Recent Jokes

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess"

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began more...

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's my ice cream cone?
"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."
She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"

Yield: 4 Servings

Ingredients

6oz orange jell-o; (2 pkgs)
1 cup boiling water
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1 qt vanilla ice cream; softened
7oz 7-up
8 twinkies

Instructions

Dissolve Jell-O in boiling water. Add pineapple juice, ice cream and 7-Up. Mix thoroughly (In a blender if necessary to dissolve ice cream), and pour into a deep pan, approximately 9-inches square. Chill until mixture begins to set.

Lay Twinkies, flat side down, in two rows of four across the top of the chilled gelatin. If the gelatin is properly chilled, it will resist the Twinkies. You will push them in and they will slowly rise. Remember you don't want them buried. Just semi-decended in the ooze. Chill until fully set and serve.

Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the more...

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too more...

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think its going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" So off went junior for Fathers umbrella, but three days later he still hadnt returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat juniors ice cream before it melts." And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I wont go."

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on more...