Ding Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:
"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:
1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did). 2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did). 3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
"Can I help you?" she says. "I'm here about your ad in the paper."
"Which ad is that?" "The one looking for a husband."
She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..." "Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."
"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria." "And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no more...

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:
"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:
1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
"Can I help you?" she says.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper."
"Which ad is that?"
"The one looking for a husband."
She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."
"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."
"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."
"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... more...

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair."Can I help you?" she says."I'm here about your ad in the paper.""Which ad is that?""The one looking for a husband."She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...""Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.""Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.""And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.""Well, yes, that's true... but there more...

SHIT HAPPENS in various world religions
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Taoism: Shit happens.
If you can shit, it isn't shit.
Shit happens, so flow with it.
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding.
She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens,
she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it)
Please this flower and buy our shit.
Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens".
Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen
PROPERLY."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone.
Shit will happen again to you next time.
Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will
have salvation.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
7th Day Adventism:
Shit happens on Saturdays.
Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
This shit is not a religion, it is the way of more...

once there was a little boy at the hospital because his grandpa had a heartattack.
litlle boy: grandma how did gramps have his heart atack
grams: well me and grandpa still do it
littleboy: ok
grams: so when we do it we do it to the church bells
little boy: ok
grams: whin the church bells go ding grandpa goes in and when the church bell goes dong grandpa comes out
little boy: oh ok
grams: but the ice cream truck went by and they went ding! ding! ding! ding! ding! and grandpa was trying to keep up.
little boy: oh

There was this contest if 3 guys dicks would add up to 21 inches they would win 3 million dollars.
So Mac goes first pulls his out 10 inches
Next was Andy pulls his out 10inches
Last but not least was Ben pulls his out 1 inch
Ding Ding Ding... we have winners
so after the contest Mac said "
if it wasn't for my 10 inch penis we wouldn't of won."
Andy said "
if it wasn't for my 10 inch penis we wouldn't of won."
Ben goes "
hold up guys if i wouldn't of popped a boner we wouldn't of never won!!!"