Guts Jokes / Recent Jokes
A couple had been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of loudly farting every morning as he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning, she would plead with him to stop ripping them off as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he was going to fart his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas morning as she was downstairs preparing the turkey and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had just put the turkey innards, neck, gizzards, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl upstairs where her hubby was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she slid down his underwear at the back and emptied the bowl more...
There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.
One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."
TWO GUYS WERE HUNTING AND GOT SEPARATED. JOE DECIDED TO TAKE A DUMP, AND AFTER HANGING HIS ASS OVER A LOG HE SOON FELL ASLEEP MEANWHILE HIS BUDDY SHOT A DEER WHILE DRAGING IT BACK TO HIS RIG HE NOTICED HIS BUDDY ASLEEP ON THE LOG AS A PRANK HE GUTTED THE DEER AND PLACED THE PILE OF GUTS UNDER HIS FRIEND'S ASS AFTER RETURNING TO THE TRUCK HE TOO WAS TIRED AND TOOK A NAP A FEW HOURS LATER HE AWOKE TO SEE JOE TRUNDLING ACROSS THE FEILD "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU JOE? LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST" WELL I HUNG MY ASS OVER A LOG TO TAKE A DUMP AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP I MUST HAVE SHIT MY GUTS OUT IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD AND A GREASY STICK I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THEM BACK IN
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
In a ship the Generals of three nations were traveling with their soldiers. They started the topic that whose soldier had more of guts.
The American general called for one of his men and told him to jump down the ship and take a round swimming around the moving ship. The soldier did as he was commanded and the general boasted of by saying "See the guts !"
Now the German general called out for one of his men and asked him to take two similar rounds. The soldier did as he was told.
When he came back from the water the German said, "See the guts."
Now the Indian General called out for his most courageous man, Santa and asked him to take five similar rounds.
Santa promptly replied, "Am I your dad's servant?"
At this the general proudly said "See the guts".
one day three girls went camping (a blonde, brunette, redhead)the blonde had to take a dump but the bathrooms were being cleaned.so the went in the woods she took forever so the other girls skinned a rabbit and took the guts out.they snuck up behind the blonde while she was crapping and stuck the guts right under her butt and ran away.
finally when the blonde came back she said,"omfg I pushed so hard that i craped out my guts, but thank god that God gave us fingers because i just stuffed em right back in my butthole"
the other girls just laughed and never told the blonde what happened so there for the blonde is now part rabbit!!!