Hanging Jokes / Recent Jokes

A nurse was going past an old mans room in the nursing home and heard him crying. "What's the matter?" she said.

He said, "My peter died."

She told him she was real busy and would come back later. well she forgot about him and went home. the next day she came to work and saw him walking down the hall with his peter hanging out and swinging. She said, "What in the hell are you doing?"

He said, "My peter died. "

She said, "I know that but what are you doing with it hanging out?"

He said. "Today we are having the viewing."

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park. A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, “I’m hanging myself. ” “You’re supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist, ” said the onlooker. “I tried that, ” replied the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.
Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark!?!"

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

A doctor of psychology was making his usual morning rounds. When he entered a patient's room, he found one patient sitting on the floor sawing a piece of wood with the side of his hand, and the other hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked the patient sitting on the floor what he was doing.
"Can't you see I'm sawing a piece of wood in half?" replied the patient, irritated by the doctor's question.
"And what is that fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" inquired the doctor.
"Oh, he's my friend," the patient replied, "but he is a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
"If he's your friend," the doctor said, "you should ask him to come down from there before he hurts himself."
"What?" the patient exclaimed, "And work in the dark?!?"

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that ight that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free. The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free. Next it was the Newfies turn. He said, "I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging."

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship?
Six's Psychiatrist claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.) We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of "Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree." "You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
"What the heck do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knot?"
"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
"Give me more...