Ignoramus Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are said to be "actual" quotes taken from performance reviews.
1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiousity.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
5. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
9. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary more...

A few guppies short of an aquarium. A few inches short of a foot/yard. A few kernels short of an ear. A few kopeks short of a ruble. A few links shy of a chain. A few measures short of a staff. A few open splices. A few peas short of a pod/casserole. A few pickles short of a jar. A few pies short of a holiday. A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar. A few points short of a polygon. A few revisions behind. A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic. A few screws loose. A few shrimps short of a barbie. A few spoons short of a full set. A few straws shy of a bale. A few tiles missing from his space shuttle. A few tiles short of a successful re-entry. A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree. A few volts below threshold. A few yards short of the hole. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A more...

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get more...

A few shrimps short of a barbie.

A few spoons short of a full set.

A few straws shy of a bale.

A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.

A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

A few volts below threshold.

A few yards short of the hole.

A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he`d have to give up chewing gum.

A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

A lap behind the field.

A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.)

A looney tune.

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a wont be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasnt looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary more...

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
"I would not allow this employee to breed"
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
"Got a full more...

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A more...