Labels Jokes / Recent Jokes

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter! WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter more...

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: CONSUMPTION of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see more...

Bubba and Billy Bob were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beer. "Look thar up ahead," said Bubba, "it's a poll-ice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers."
"Don'tcha worry, Bubba," said Billy Bob, "We'll pull over and finish drinikin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick 'em on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" Bubba asked. "Never ya mind, Bubba. Just let me do the talkin'," replied Billy Bob.
They both finished their beer, put the labels on their foreheads and threw the empty bottles under the seat. When they reached the roadblock, the sherrif asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir, we're on the patch!" replied Billy Bob.

Two drunks are driving down the road drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger." Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking." They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and your registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't." "Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?' The officer asked." I swear officer. I haven't had a sip." "Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?" The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household products.
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb. bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than 14 lb. bags!"
Other importanant info:
"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat especially absorbent."
AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:
"GARAGE SPILLS - sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"
"TRASH CANS - a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"
"REFRIGERATORS - an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"GARDENS - enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's
OLD
NEW
conservative-reactionary
the establishment-white power elite
hearing person-temporarily aurally abled
sighted person-temporarily visually abled
blind-visually challenged
mute-vocally challenged
deaf-aurally challenged
dead-metabolically different
alive-temporarily metabolically abled
ugly-aesthetically challenged
fat-gravitationally challenged
heavy-set-people of mass
rude-politically correct
psychopath-socially misaligned
crooked-ethically challenged
klutzy-kinesthetically challenged
bald-follicularly challenged
short-differently statured
non-white, non-male oppressed-white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
white male-oppressor
black-african-american
asian-asian-american
afro-american-african-american
minority group-numerically challenged group; under-represented population
black-person of more...