Liz Jokes

Sally was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, had never seen Sally looking so sad. Liz said, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad. Why?" Sally replied, "Because I just can't get a man." Liz said, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods." "Don't be so silly, Sally said, "I know that. I went in the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it." Liz said, "I don't understand what you're talking about." Sally replied, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." "So, how's that gonna help you get a man?" asked Liz. Sally said, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

When Kevin came home, his wife, Liz, was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," Liz sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Kevin asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it said,' PS. Dear Liz, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"

“My husband’s always playing around, ” Liz complained to Debbie as they pedaled their exercise bicycles one morning. “It’s made me so anxious I can’t even eat. ” “Then why don’t you leave him? ” Debbie asked. “Oh, I will, ” replied Liz, “just as soon as I hit 105. ”

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Don't worry about it. You'll pass eventually. Liz: I'm the examiner!