Maternity Jokes / Recent Jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a realtor’s office: “Lots for little. ”
Sign in a shoe store: “Come in and have a fit. ”
Sign in a maternity clothes store: “We are open on labor day. ”
Sign in a non-smoking area: “If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. ”
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: “Push Push Push. ”
Sign at entrance of the IRS: “Watch your step. ”
Sign at the exit of the IRS: “Watch your mouth. ”
Sign in a bookstore: “We treat you write. ”
Sign on a front door: “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. ”

Forget maternity services for the obese, our main concern should be getting psychological help for the guys - so drunk or desperate - who impregnated these women.

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
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Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
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The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd more...

Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest.
"What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse.
"Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend to be smaller than others ".
"It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod and spoil the child."