Ninety Jokes

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Smith, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety five."
"Mrs. Smith, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety five, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, "It's more...

An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the more...

Meade’s Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else. Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. Muir’s Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe. Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Nolan’s Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Nowlan’s Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

My friend and his wife stayed in a hotel and got a bill for ninety bucks. He screamed, "Ninety dollars?, for what?"
The desk clerk said, "For room and board sir."
My friend said, "Room and board? We didn't eat here."
The clerk said, "It was here for you. If you didn't get it, it's your fault."
My friend said, "You take forty dollars. I'm charging you fifty dollars for fooling around with my wife."
The clerk said, "I never touched your wife!"
My friend said, "It was there for you."

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
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