Ralph Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?!?", Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective. Please circle your answers to each below: 1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection"? 1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA. 2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts. 3. A 9mm for "light days" and a. 44 Magnum for "heavy days". 2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is: 1. All you'll ever need. 2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol. 3. The signal to open Fire. 3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was: 1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify violence. 2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women. 3. A training film. 4. What was technically wrong with the scene more...

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19. 95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19. 95, Barbie goes shopping for $19. 95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19. 95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19. 95, and Divorced Barbie for $375. 00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375. 00 when all the others are $19. 95?!?", Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture."

Ralph awoke one day to realize that his member had inexplicably been growing larger and staying erect longer with each passing day.

He was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his sex organ had grown to nearly 20 inches and Ralph became quite concerned.

He was having problems dressing and even walking.

So, he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

After being laid off from six different jobs in five months, Ralph was hired by a warehouse.
Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it right off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of your wages to pay for the damage."
"How much will it cost?" Ralph asked.
"Approximately $5,000," the owner replied.
"What a relief!" Ralph exclaimed. "Finally, I have job security."

Eighty-five year old Ralph was a witness in a burglary case.
"Did you see my client commit this burglary, Ralph?" the defense lawyer asked.
"I sure did," Ralph replied. "I saw him take the goods."
"Ralph, this happened at night," said the lawyer. "Are you positive you saw my client commit this crime?"
"No doubt about it," replied Ralph.
"Ralph, you're eighty-five years old and your eyesight probably isn't as good as it used to be," the lawyer said. "Just how far can you see?"
"I can see the moon," Ralph said proudly. "How far is that?"

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, Fred, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"
Ralph looked out the window and said "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
Mary cried "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others - only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude more...