Returns Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. "Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet".

The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede". "Great!" the man exclaims, "I'll take it!"

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: "Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the tavern for a beer?" The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, "Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?" Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. Hmmmmm the guy thinks to himself, I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask more...

This guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."

God sends for 3 world leaders and tells them that he is really pissed-off with all the troubles the world gives him and has decided to destroy the planet in 3 days.

Clinton goes back to Washington and tells his people,' I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God, the bad news is that we have really goofed up and the world will end in 3 days.'

Jiang Zemin returns to the PRC and tells his nation' I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is there is a God, the worse news is he is going to stop our plan for world domination in 3 days.'

Dr. Mahathir returns to Malaysia with a huge smile and says,' I have good news and better news! The good news is that God thinks I am one of the 3 most vital people in the world. The better news is, the currency crisis will be over in 3 days!

Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: more...

I saw the new Superman movie over the weekend and my first and overwhelming reaction:
Boy, are the people in Metroplis stupid! And if I ever commit a crime, I want those gullible morons in my jury.
(I won't reveal any major plot points, except for the whole "Superman was away" thing which is kinda implied by the Superman returns title anyway) So, naturally, Clark Kent was away for five years, too.
So as soon as Clark Kent comes back into town, Superman starts saving people?
Coincidence? You'd think not, but apparently these Metropolian morons can't put two and two together even when you're prompting them with "ffffoooouuuu..."
What's even more annoying is they actually include a scene where a couple of them are close to figuring it out, and then Clark looks over and gives them a goofy smile and akward wave, and they're like, "Ha! We were really on the wrong track with THAT one!"

A bloke walks into a pub and says “Can I have a pie and chips please? ” The barman fetches the food, the guy sits down, eats the chips, puts the pie on his head and walks out. The barman is confused. The next day the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman serves him his meal, he eats the chips, puts the pie on his head, and walks out. The barman only just resists the temptation to ask him what he’s doing. The following day, the same man returns to the pub and orders another pie and chips. The barman says “Sorry, we’re out of pies today, but you can have a pasty and chips if you want…. ” The man accepts the pasty and chips, sits down and eats the chips, and then puts the pasty in his head. He’s just about to walk out, when the barman collars him and asks “Oi, mate, why have you got that pasty on your head? ” The man replies “Well you haven’t got any pies….. ”

The History of Santa Claus - Part 1
======================
== The Untold Story ==
======================
1689
Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.
1691
Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew
abandons him.
1692
Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds
he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703
Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and
returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp,
half-buried but still intact.
1704
Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts,
and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to
increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar
base.
1705
Claus returns again to more...