Sleeping Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"... They told me at the blood bank that this might happen. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again! I wasn’t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga? Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem! I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

A man had a problem sleeping at night, and thought it may be his conscience troubling him. He knew that he had been less than honest when filling in his tax return, and maybe that was the trouble.

So he sent a check to the Taxation Department with a note that said: "Dear Sir, I have not filled in all my income for which I should have paid tax. Therefore, here is my check for $100-00 - AND IF MY CONSCIENCE STILL TROUBLES ME, I WILL SEND YOU THE REST."

Peggy was visiting her father at the nursing home. "How is everything, Dad," she asks.
"Everything's fine," he replies. "I've been sleeping very well the past few weeks."
"That's good news, Dad. Have they been giving you something to help you sleep?" Peggy asks.
"Yes," he replies. "Every night the nurse gives me a glass of warm milk and Viagra."
"Viagra? Why are they giving you Viagra?" asks Peggy.
"I don't know," replies her father.
Peggy finds a nurse and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.
"We give him warm milk which helps him sleep," the nurse says.
"But why the Viagra?" Peggy asks.
"Oh, that just keeps him from rolling out of the bed," explains the nurse.

Here is a list of best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle at work.
1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
3. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last management course you sent me to.
4. I was working smarter, not harder.
5. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
8. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
9. I'm in the management training program
10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
12. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. more...

A parishioner had dozed off to sleep during the morning service. "Will all who want to go to heaven stand?" The preacher asked. All stood, except for the sleeping parishioner.

After they sat down, the pastor continued: "Well, will all who want to go to the other place stand?"

Somebody suddently dropped a songbook, and the sleeping man jumped tp his feet and stood sheepishly facing the preacher. He mumbled confusedly, "Well, Preacher, I don't know what we're voting for, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it."

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
12. "I wasn`t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "Actually I`m doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
6. "The coffee machine is more...

Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Human's more...