Swing Jokes / Recent Jokes
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how shed do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but youre gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husbands penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent! Lets try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."
A lady once went to a pet store and asked the storekeeper for a parrot that could speak. The storekeeper showed the lady into a room where there were many birds he then showed her a parrot which was sitting on a swing in it's cage and had two strings tied to both his feet, the storekeeper then told the lady that if she pulled the string tied to the left the parrot woud say" good day " and if she pulled the string tied to the right leg it would say " how de do " the lady pulled the strings one at a time and the parrot said just what the storekeeper said it would say. Then the lady asked the storekeeper what the parrot would do if she pulled both the strings at the same time and then the parrot replied " i'll fall off the swing you bubleheaded idiot ".
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check more...
A husband booked a round of golf for his wife and himself on a trip … … to famous old St. Andrews golf links.
On the third tee, the husband hesitated in teeing off and turned slowly to his wife and said contritely, “Darling, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me. ”
His wife was hurt but said, “Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you. ” They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, “I’m sorry darling, I’ve been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we’re being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation, I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me.
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball more...
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven."Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You seethe big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin backin 1978 - You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." "Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorryPeter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. "Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God'soffice. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." "So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." "Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" "OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. "Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, andI made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I couldjust make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and more...
When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of
heaven. "Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in.
You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin
back in 1978 - You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game."
"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter,
but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered.
"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy."
So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..."
"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain."
"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!"
"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord.
"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I
made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I more...
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
129. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.