Blogs Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
11. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
12. A closed more...

One Headliners (2)

What is the real headline?

Brit Drops kid Again
Brit Dropkicks Angelina’s kid
Brit Drops Jason Kid on Angelina’s kid

The Heat-Wave Goodbye to Dallas
The Heat-Wave that Stroked Dallas
The Heat-Wave Goodyear bye Shaq and Give it to Wade

FBI Pursues Pretenders Masquerading as War Heroes
FBI Pursues Pretenders Masquerading as Whores to Charge Zero
FBI Pursues Nathan Lane for Masquerading as Meatball Hero

"I'm Going To Be the First One On My Block To Become Anaerobic!"
Above: Escherichia coli bacteria at the Rancid concert.

This unwashed chicken thigh on the TGI Friday's cook's counter I live in is sooooo played out. No one cool is moving here or going through binary fission any more. And to top it off, the other day, all of a sudden, some eukaryotes moved in and drove the property value way up. You get a membrane-bound nucleus and suddenly everyone thinks you're made of pure carbon. I think they're part of a human finger or thumb but these days my nucleoid's so tired of giving a crap, I can't say for sure.

So now in order to afford my loft space down by the skin, I'm going to have to find a roommate. A roommate! What am I, RNA? That shit is for introns! And I know how lazy I am. I don't want to go out and actually find someone to live with. So I'm almost definitely just going to divide and make a copy of me.

But that's gonna suck cause I more...

Ok, so the other day I was watching a porno. Yes I have watched a porno or two in my lifetime. Anyway, it's a lesbian scene, I think men like those, well one of the women chose to wear a strap-on. Now I am really confused, I know it's a movie, but I had to ask one of my friends who is a practicing lesbian what she thought about this practice. She told me that some lesbians like the penis, but they just don't like what it's attached to. Are you serious? I mean, men love vaginas, but give me a break, we don't always like what they're attached to either. Then I thought, how great it would be if there were detachable vaginas. I would'nt be wasting my time right now typing this bulleting/blog, I would be playing with my vaginas. In fact, every man I know would be playing with their vaginas. We'd have vagina trading parties. Hey man, I got that Asian vagina, what you got?
Women would'nt be taking self defense classes anymore, they would be taking protect your vagina classes.
Can you more...

I just watched clips of the Jill Carrol interview where she describes being captured by insurgents.
Holy shit! I'm not going to mention the name of the religion I'm about to make fun of because I don't want to be killed with a curvy sword. Let's just say that it's crazy and people who believe in it can't have, and don't deserve, democracy. The only way to keep those people in line is with a ruthless dictator with a powerful mustache willing to wipe them out with poison gas when they get too whoopy and dancey. Please understand that I use the term "those people," merely to illustrate that I don't understand or like them.
Here is an example of me making an effort to learn about this religion and not judge it. It's a transcript of me talking to a friend of this persuasion who I like to get fucked up with.
Me: So why is it wrong to eat pork? Why would God make an unclean animal?
Dusky Friend: That's a common misconception. Actually, it's not that the pig is more...

An apple a day doesn't keep the doctor away; HMOs do.

But to really stay healthy, medical research has found
a daily joke can reduce hospitalizations by 10% in a year.

In the double-blind placebo controlled study, participants
were offered 1-4 jokes each morning. Participants receiving 4
jokes did twice as well as those receiving only one joke. Material was stolen
from the work of Dave Chappelle, Jay Leno, Bill Cosby, David Letterman.

The placebo group received Carlos Mencia.

I hate the World Cup. It blows. Mostly because I watched the USA team and we suck. We scored two goals in three games. Not bad for four years of training. By the way, one of our goals was scored accidentally by the other team! We have no big scorer. You're telling me the USA can't produce one big soccer star? It's kicking a ball! We need a guy with one name. That's the key. Brazil is full of them. They have Rolidinho, Rinaldo, Kafu, and my favorite name ever: Caca. That's what we need! A guy named after excrement. Like DooDoo or PeePee. We were eliminated by Ghana. Ghana? I don't even know where Ghana IS and they beat us! Do you know that they had to shut down the mine shafts in Ghana to conserve electricity so the country would have enough power for their television to run? The first thing I thought was-Ghana has a television? Next thing you know they'll have nukes! How did we not pay them off? Pssst-hey goalie, I'll give your whole team XBoxes and dentistry for a year if you let us more...