Marble Jokes / Recent Jokes

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food. Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food. 2. I will not jump on the [xxx]. kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night. 3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx]. sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires. 4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx]. floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen more...

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, more...

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.
Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. "That's not Shanahan 's house," God says "That's my house."

After coach Osborne dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Osborne a little two-room house with a faded University of Nebraska banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Mr. Osborne looks at the house, then turns around
and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
Michigan flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Michigan banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Lloyd Carr gets a mansion with new Michigan banners and flags flying all over the place.
"Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Carr's house," God says. "That's mine."