Martini Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, “Beer tender, give me a dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ”
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and put a pickle in it. ” He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, “Beer tender, give me another dribble martini, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because I’ve got heartburn. ”
The bartender says, “Look, lady…it’s not beer tender, it’s bartender. It’s not a martini, it’s a martini. It’s not a dribble, it’s a double. That’s not a pickle, it’s an onion. And you haven’t got artburn, ”
You have your left tit in the Ashtray! ”

A drunk goes into a bar. He is very, very drunk - can hardly stand up. He slurs his way up to the bar and says:

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar. "Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender, thinking the guy would leave after the little game. He hands the drunk three darts. "Look out, everybody!" Zot, zot, zot. The drunk thr
throws three quick bull's eyes. Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine more...

Last week was my fortieth birthday and I wasn't feeling so great that morning to begin with. I went downstairs to breakfast, knowing that my wife would be pleasant, wish me a happy birthday and have a gift for me. But, she didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone "Happy Birthday".
I thought to myself, "That's a wife for you. Surely the children will remember." They came into breakfast and didn't say a word, so when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and depressed.
As I walked into my office, June, my secretary, said, "Good Morning, Happy Birthday, Boss", and I began to feel a little better that someone had remembered. At noon, June knocked on my door and said, "It's such a beautiful day and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and I." I said, "That's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
Out to lunch we went, but not to where I normally go. Instead, we went out into the country to more...

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

O'Brien walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what O'Brien had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

Dear Pal:

Well here it is, the end of another year, and as is my custom I take out a little time to write a few of my good friends, it is the time when I remember all the good things that have happened to me in the past twelve months. When I reflect on the value of the friendships I have cherished over the years. When, in fact, I indulge myself to the extent of waxing a bit sentimental.

It's a snowy evening, the doorbell rings, intermittently, but here in my den it is cozy and comfortable and peaceful. I'm sitting before a nice open fire with my typewriter, sort of half-listening to the hi-fi, and slowly sipping a nice very dry double Martini. I surely wish you were here but since you are not, the least I can do is toast your health and happiness for the coming year so time out, old pal, while I bend my elbow with thoughts of you.

I just took a recess to mix another Martini and while I was out in the kitchen I thought of all the time I would waste more...