Masturbate Jokes / Recent Jokes
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says,' Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand,' Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says,' Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers frowns and says,' Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says,' No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".
If God didn't want us to masturbate, he would've given us shorter arms.
Confucious say...... woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.... man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.... man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.... boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.... man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!... he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.... he who smoke pot, choke on handle.... woman who wear g-string, high on crack!... he who stand on toilet, high on pot!... boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!... girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!... man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!... man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!... he who masturbate, screw only himself!... he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!... dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
: The following is taken word-for-word from a Mormon pamphlet,' For Young Men Only', published a number years ago.
The Mormon's Guide to Avoiding Masturbation:
1. Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are strongest. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell' STOP' to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.
2. Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, a month and year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you masturbate, colour that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.
3. Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal reward yourself with a quarter.
4. When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly more...
I thought I'd tack on a little humor. I've been far too quiet for far too long. This is really what the Mormons believe.
From the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints...
I'd thought you'd enjoy this.
Mormon Instructions on avoiding Masturbation
From a Guide to Mormon Youth
"Guide to Self-Control: Overcoming Masturbation."
Enlist The Power Of Prayer
Pray daily, ask for the gifts of the Spirit, that which will strengthen you against temptation.
Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are the strongest.
When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell "Stop!" to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.
Exercise Vigorously
Follow a program of vigorous daily exercise, which reduce emotional tension and depression.
Double your physical activity when you feel stress increasing.
Set Goals
Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a more...