Packet Jokes / Recent Jokes

ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:ON A HAIRDRYER:*Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:*Directions: Use like regular soap.FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:*Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:*Fits one head.ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:*Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:*Do not Iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:*Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):*Warning: May cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:*Warning: Keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:*For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:*Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:*Warning: contains nutsON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:*Do not more...

Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted' cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?

What a shame sir!

We'll find you

Another game sir:

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your more...

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: more...

There's an Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says: "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes!
The Scotsman says: "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other days when I found a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank!"
With that the Irishman says: "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy!"

Here's an easy game to play.
> Here's an easy thing to say.
>
> If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
> And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
> And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort.
> Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
> If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
> And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
> And your data is corrupted' cause the index doesn't hash.
> Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
>
> You can't say this?
> What a shame sir!
> We'll find you another game, sir!
>
> If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
> Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
> But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
> That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
> And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of more...

Dateline, September 3, 2147

Minneapolis -- In a rare view of 20th century life, Cyber Archaeologist Ole Anderson of Minneapolis has discovered an extremely rare throwback to the 20th century: an ancient IP version 4 packet containing HTTP --the primitive method that early Internet builders used to transfer data in what predated our now familiar way of communications.

Anderson is convinced of the packet's authenticity since IP version 4 packets have not been seen on the global network in 115 years.

"When I discovered the packet", says Anderson, "I couldn't believe my eyes. It contained an IP version 4 header which at first I couldn't decipher. Amazingly, the the contents of the packet are in plain text which means that I didn't even have to break the primitive crypto algorithms they had in those days. The packet seems to be directed at what was termed a `web site' and an individual called