Performance Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it

New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we more...

SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY or DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS
FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW
ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous
versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous
version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string
budget.
EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation
supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48
weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta more...

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense: I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2! "Chicago, Windows 4. 0, Windows 95"?!?!?!? "Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!" #1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!! - Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!. . Bugs come in through open Windows.. . Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of" After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot. Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows. Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3. 1. Bugs come in through Open Windows Chernobyl used Windows Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows! Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. Windows Error #F99 - CPU too tired to continue... Error Loading Windows: (A)bort more...

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

The Indians and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the India team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action. The consultant`s finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the Indian team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the Indian team. So as race day neared again the following year, the Indian team`s management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance more...

NEW - Different color from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer''s cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn''t understand it
IT''S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY - It''s different from our competitors
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults more...

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and noticed a slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5. 0.
In addition, Husband 1. 0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9. 5 and Personal Attention 6. 5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5. 0 and NBA 3. 0. and now Conversation 8. 0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Desperate
===========
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5. 0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1. 0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command:
C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6. 2 to install Guilt 3. 0.
If all works as designed, Husband 1. 0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2. 0 and Flowers more...