Ralph Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ralph and Brian decide to go ice fishing.

"This looks like a good spot Brian!" Said Ralph. So they stopped, and put there stuff up.

"THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Said a voice from up above...he looked up in amazement.

"Well Brian I guess I was wrong. Lets check over there." He silently thanked the man for telling them...he would have wasted all the time!!! But once he reached the next spot the voice said again

"THERE ARE NO FISH THERE."

"Well... lets try over here." They gathered their things and went over to another place.

"THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Said the voice again. Ralph looked up but saw only what he expected.

"Hmm....ok thanks!" He screamed, and moved on. But again....the voice said

"THERE ARE NO FISH THERE." Ralph wondered for a second. Then he said

"Are you God?" He more...

One day while sleeping with his neighbor's wife, Ralph heard his neighbor's car pull in the driveway.
"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, Ted's home early," she yelled. Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there."
She cried, "If Ted catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"
So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I more...

On the first day Margo packed all her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, Margo sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each an every room and deposited few half-eaten anchovies dipped in caviar down the curtain rods.
When Margo's husband Ralph returned with his new girlfriend Tracey, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive more...

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die."Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."

Bill and Ralph meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. Bill has a little dog with him and on the next green, when Bill holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.
Ralph is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt?" Bill replies, "Somersaults."
Ralph exclaims, "Somersaults! How many of them does it do?" Bill calmly replies, "Mmm, depends on how hard I kick it up the ass!"

Ralph takes his wife, Mildred, to the livestock show. As they walk past the pens
holding the bulls, Mildred notices a sign by the first bull stating: "This bull
mated 50 times last year."
Mildred turns to her husband and says, "You could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: "This bull mated 100 times
last year."
Mildred turns to Ralph and says, "This one mated twice a week! You can learn
from this bull, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times
last year."
The Mildred's mouth drops open and exclaims, "Wow! He mated every single day of
the year! You could really learn a lot from this bull."
Ralph turns to Mildred and smiles, "I doubt if he mated 365 times with the same
old cow."

Bill and Ralph, both of equal ability, decide to have a round together and "play it as it lays" on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the par-5 first hole down the middle and about 260 yards. They drive up for the second shot, and Bill hits his shot down the middle for an easy approach, but Ralph slices his over the trees and it ends up in the cart path of the adjoining hole.
"Guess I get a free drop from the cart path," he says. "Oh no," says Bill, "We agreed. Play it as it lays." So Ralph drives Bill up to his ball in front of the green, drops him off and drives over to his ball on the cart path. Bill watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent, then, in amazement as a perfectly struck shot lands on the green and rolls to within 3 ft. of the pin. Ralph drives back to the green.
Bill says, "Great shot back there! What club did you use?" Ralph responds, "Your six iron."